To un-install a dream

[psipsy]

Well... I can't say that I didn't see it coming, and I won't say that it hasn't happened to anyone else. There's clues to that knowledge scattered through my earlier entries. So I guess that's good. Managed to prevent (or at least greatly diminish) a potentially nasty meltdown. Nothing that I would find worthy of raising hell about. My inherent Bob-ness prohibits that. There's damage, but it's repairable. But the repairs won't finish overnight, as much as I'd like them to. It'll require some time, by myself, and with friends.

Things could have turned out a lot worse, but in the end it didn't change for me. While I'm happy about that, it also saddens me, as I had hoped for a change for the better. Not to say that nothing ever will happen, there's no sense in feeling sorry for myself. I got sick of that a long time ago, which is puzzling because it looks like that's what I'm doing here.

I guess maybe most of the damage came from knowing that in the end, whatever I've done suddenly meant little, if anything. Rendered worthless. Watching it all turn into dust, caused by a dream of mine that did no good for anyone, leaving me with bittersweet memories and mementos. All because I gave a damn when I guess I wasn't really supposed to.

I'm not looking forward to the un-installation process itself. I'm not looking forward to finding any unrepairable damage that might be uncovered. But I'll be looking forward to when there's a shiny new dream in it's place, a better dream, a dream that won't make so many errors as the one I'm trying to delete, and should have deleted when it began going out of control, leaving a mess to clean up.

The System has a bypass mode for just such an occasion, so that I can still do things like go to work, driving, and other things. Because the bills still need paid somehow.

Dunno what I'll have lined up for tomorrow or the entirety of next week. But I can't stay here in this house during then. I gotta go SOMEWHERE in order to do the needed repairs. Maybe home?

While I'm nowhere near indestructible, I do heal. I can take some hits, and not get knocked out. The sort of balance that comes with being human, and I am one, after all. I'll come out of this a little wiser, a little stronger...a little more like the Bob that I was not so long ago and want to be again.

Because, Bob moves on.

Comments

[lizluna.livejournal.com]

LONG LIVE BOB!

[luvforever.livejournal.com]

I know the feeling, although I would never express it quite the way you have. It's rather hard to look at the subject the way it is meant to be looked at, when you have such visions and thoughts going through your mind... Anyhow, things will get better and I'm not a good one to be handing out this advice, but it will...
I promise, and if I can promise that, well then you have to believe it...

the phoenix shall rise again

[psipsy.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

^_^

[psipsy.livejournal.com]

Things have already gotten better, thank you very much. A little slow initially, but I know that once the momentum starts building up (like it has before), that's when the real fun begins.

^_^