gonna be free... and move among the stars
Aug. 17th, 2001 03:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
psipsyHere I am, in the middle of the night again, pondering. It's at hours like these, is when I'm at arguably my philosophical best. I guess it's the fatigue that can let me think like this, for better or worse.
So, what kind of things are on my mind? The usual. Work, or the lack thereof. I'm getting into the last third of my unemployment, which is where I start to worry. Just a little bit. I joke about becoming a truck driver, and it slowly sinks in that I could do that. Maybe. Each time I look for work in a technical area, all I find are positions for programming jobs. Bleh. Anyway, I'm left to say to myself, "Um, summer's almost over... and I'm still out of work." If I knew ahead of time I'd be off for this long I would have taken a road trip to California or something. Oh well. I'm just waiting for that last minute.
I have returned from Otakon. Many things happened there. It was big, and tiring. How will this affect future conventions for me? I'll still go, I'll just try to get more of a balance for planning. Hopefully I can get to Anime Weekend Atlanta this year. If not, then so be it.
Found a high school alumni directory... I have yet to really look through it. I did a search on a few people, but even my curiosity is apathetic. Those years are behind me, and it is there they belong, in the past. It is the present alone that concerns me, and the future... well, I'll take care of the future as it comes. I've lost track of most of my high school classmates, and I don't really care to find most of them, maybe my friends from then. There's a couple guys that I keep contact with, for some reason or another. Anime fandom is a good reason. But on the other hand, I have yet to see anyone from my past seeking me out. If they do, what are they going to find? Just an anime otaku, living without purpose. If that's what they want to look for, then I won't disappoint.
A while ago, I dreamt I died.
It was strange. Not scary or bad, but actually peaceful. In this dream, I'm unsure how I died, but I could tell that I was dead. Suddenly, I felt free and light. I had no mass, and I couldn't be seen by anyone. I could float by my own will, wherever I wanted. It was like I was a ghost. There were no more worries about all the hardships and troubles of the world. And yet, even within the dream, I wondered. Was this all there was to the afterlife, or was there more? I could have found out, had I not woken up when I did. But it was still a nice dream, even if it meant that I was dead for it. Now there's something for the dream dictionaries: What does it mean if you dream you died, but dying brought happiness? Levitation by will? Freedom through obscurity? This dream has definitely left me thinking.
Perhaps it doesn't mean that I'm about to die, but it could be that in many ways, I may as well be dead already. I'm feeling that my influence in the lives of others wanes to the point of negligence. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe my influences are entirely subliminal. But if the world is a mirror, I can see nothing looking back at me. I have little or no noticeability. To many, I have simply faded into the background. And to be honest, I'm more content that way. It surprises me some when a total stranger acknowledges my presence. After all, why would a total stranger have a need to say anything directly to me for no reason? It's easy to see why they don't: I care for nothing deeply anymore. Yeah, I'll look out for my friends and family, offer advice to keep them from harm and helping out with stuff, but there's nothing I can throw my heart and soul into anymore. All I can do is wait. Waiting for something worth waiting for.
Hence, possibly the second meaning of the dream, is that since I consider myself invisible to the rest of the world, I am not beholden to it's many crisis. My self nihilism enables me to not worry about anything. Every now and then I wonder about the possible lives I could lead, and cringe at some of them. The me that's forced to bleed for the vampires, in the name of reproduction and "family life". Something I'm not enthusiastic about. For that, I would weep.
I can only dream of being in a spotlight. And a dream, is all it will be.
::lyrics to current song::
Never seen a bluer sky
Yeah I can feel it reaching out
and moving closer
There's something 'bout blue
Asked myself what it's all for
You know the funny thing about
I couldn't answer
No, I couldn't answer
Things have turned a deeper shade of blue
and images that might be real
may be illusions
Keep flashing off and on
Free---
Wanna be free, gonna be free
and move among the stars
You know they really aren't so far
Feels so free---
Gotta know free--- please---
Don't wake me from the dream
It's really everything it seemed
I'm so free---
No black and white in the blue
Everything is clearer now
Life is just a dream, you know
that's never ending
I'm ascending
So, what kind of things are on my mind? The usual. Work, or the lack thereof. I'm getting into the last third of my unemployment, which is where I start to worry. Just a little bit. I joke about becoming a truck driver, and it slowly sinks in that I could do that. Maybe. Each time I look for work in a technical area, all I find are positions for programming jobs. Bleh. Anyway, I'm left to say to myself, "Um, summer's almost over... and I'm still out of work." If I knew ahead of time I'd be off for this long I would have taken a road trip to California or something. Oh well. I'm just waiting for that last minute.
I have returned from Otakon. Many things happened there. It was big, and tiring. How will this affect future conventions for me? I'll still go, I'll just try to get more of a balance for planning. Hopefully I can get to Anime Weekend Atlanta this year. If not, then so be it.
Found a high school alumni directory... I have yet to really look through it. I did a search on a few people, but even my curiosity is apathetic. Those years are behind me, and it is there they belong, in the past. It is the present alone that concerns me, and the future... well, I'll take care of the future as it comes. I've lost track of most of my high school classmates, and I don't really care to find most of them, maybe my friends from then. There's a couple guys that I keep contact with, for some reason or another. Anime fandom is a good reason. But on the other hand, I have yet to see anyone from my past seeking me out. If they do, what are they going to find? Just an anime otaku, living without purpose. If that's what they want to look for, then I won't disappoint.
A while ago, I dreamt I died.
It was strange. Not scary or bad, but actually peaceful. In this dream, I'm unsure how I died, but I could tell that I was dead. Suddenly, I felt free and light. I had no mass, and I couldn't be seen by anyone. I could float by my own will, wherever I wanted. It was like I was a ghost. There were no more worries about all the hardships and troubles of the world. And yet, even within the dream, I wondered. Was this all there was to the afterlife, or was there more? I could have found out, had I not woken up when I did. But it was still a nice dream, even if it meant that I was dead for it. Now there's something for the dream dictionaries: What does it mean if you dream you died, but dying brought happiness? Levitation by will? Freedom through obscurity? This dream has definitely left me thinking.
Perhaps it doesn't mean that I'm about to die, but it could be that in many ways, I may as well be dead already. I'm feeling that my influence in the lives of others wanes to the point of negligence. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe my influences are entirely subliminal. But if the world is a mirror, I can see nothing looking back at me. I have little or no noticeability. To many, I have simply faded into the background. And to be honest, I'm more content that way. It surprises me some when a total stranger acknowledges my presence. After all, why would a total stranger have a need to say anything directly to me for no reason? It's easy to see why they don't: I care for nothing deeply anymore. Yeah, I'll look out for my friends and family, offer advice to keep them from harm and helping out with stuff, but there's nothing I can throw my heart and soul into anymore. All I can do is wait. Waiting for something worth waiting for.
Hence, possibly the second meaning of the dream, is that since I consider myself invisible to the rest of the world, I am not beholden to it's many crisis. My self nihilism enables me to not worry about anything. Every now and then I wonder about the possible lives I could lead, and cringe at some of them. The me that's forced to bleed for the vampires, in the name of reproduction and "family life". Something I'm not enthusiastic about. For that, I would weep.
I can only dream of being in a spotlight. And a dream, is all it will be.
::lyrics to current song::
Never seen a bluer sky
Yeah I can feel it reaching out
and moving closer
There's something 'bout blue
Asked myself what it's all for
You know the funny thing about
I couldn't answer
No, I couldn't answer
Things have turned a deeper shade of blue
and images that might be real
may be illusions
Keep flashing off and on
Free---
Wanna be free, gonna be free
and move among the stars
You know they really aren't so far
Feels so free---
Gotta know free--- please---
Don't wake me from the dream
It's really everything it seemed
I'm so free---
No black and white in the blue
Everything is clearer now
Life is just a dream, you know
that's never ending
I'm ascending
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no subject
Date: 2001-08-19 12:08 am (UTC)oh, i wanted to say i'm sorry if i acted rude when you tried to talk to me before. i was focused on a bunch of other stuff, and quite distracted.
S'alright.
Date: 2001-08-19 08:23 am (UTC)And as for the IM, don't worry about that. It happens to me all the time, both ways. Nothing says distraction like juggling 5 IMs and a phone call.