Somewhere...
Jun. 13th, 2001 11:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
psipsy(MD Welcome center, US 15)
Putting the car into gear and working the pedals, I smile. As I move forward, I open the sunroof and stick my hand out. My arm is caressed by the chilly night air, and again I smile. For I am at myself. I exist for the purpose of me. I can see the stars, and despite their distance, I can feel them near. Taking a deep breath, I then arch my back in the seat. Doubts of myself, while not completely dissolved, are set aside. No unnecessary emotions to cloud my thoughts. Though my duties are far from finished, I rest easy. Sadness, anxiety, anger... For now they are replaced by contentment and calmness. I've always felt that the next big emotional "lesson" could be right around the corner. Now I wonder about that. Perhaps they're brought on by myself. Whether they are or not, I want to look back at this, so I can remember... What it was like to be free from anguish. Perhaps some time from now, I'll have a different perspective of contentment.
Somewhere along the way, I feel my own humanity fading. A heart that was once warm, losing temperature a little bit at a time. This has been going on for months, no, years. Yeah, I still hang out with my friends and have fun, but it's getting increasingly difficult to imagine my life with a significant other.
I liken myself to a wild animal. Not wild as in ready to do anything, but wild as in taking orders from no one. Do I take that for granted? Perhaps. Maybe one day I'll be sentenced to married life in suburbia, with a suit and tie for work, and my wandering days behind me. But would I be so careless as to let that happen? If so, for old time's sake, I'll put on the anime t-shirt, jeans, and running shoes, hop in the car, crank up some tunes, and bolt for who knows where, even if it's just to visit some friends or go to an anime event.
It'll be as good as a jailbreak. But again, that's only if I get sent to that prison to begin with.
Putting the car into gear and working the pedals, I smile. As I move forward, I open the sunroof and stick my hand out. My arm is caressed by the chilly night air, and again I smile. For I am at myself. I exist for the purpose of me. I can see the stars, and despite their distance, I can feel them near. Taking a deep breath, I then arch my back in the seat. Doubts of myself, while not completely dissolved, are set aside. No unnecessary emotions to cloud my thoughts. Though my duties are far from finished, I rest easy. Sadness, anxiety, anger... For now they are replaced by contentment and calmness. I've always felt that the next big emotional "lesson" could be right around the corner. Now I wonder about that. Perhaps they're brought on by myself. Whether they are or not, I want to look back at this, so I can remember... What it was like to be free from anguish. Perhaps some time from now, I'll have a different perspective of contentment.
Somewhere along the way, I feel my own humanity fading. A heart that was once warm, losing temperature a little bit at a time. This has been going on for months, no, years. Yeah, I still hang out with my friends and have fun, but it's getting increasingly difficult to imagine my life with a significant other.
I liken myself to a wild animal. Not wild as in ready to do anything, but wild as in taking orders from no one. Do I take that for granted? Perhaps. Maybe one day I'll be sentenced to married life in suburbia, with a suit and tie for work, and my wandering days behind me. But would I be so careless as to let that happen? If so, for old time's sake, I'll put on the anime t-shirt, jeans, and running shoes, hop in the car, crank up some tunes, and bolt for who knows where, even if it's just to visit some friends or go to an anime event.
It'll be as good as a jailbreak. But again, that's only if I get sent to that prison to begin with.
